Friday, March 6, 2015

The Thirst...

This time of year, it hits me really hard – the desire to get back on stage.  I’m not sure if it stems from the fact that for the past 5 years, I have always done spring/summer shows (and therefore always been in prep this time of year) – or the fact that it’s Arnold season (stay tuned for a flashback post on this tomorrow!) – or from watching everyone else starting their preps for the upcoming season.  But whatever the cause, it’s here and it’s proven to be a little tough for me this time around.

You see, the last time I got on stage was 2 years ago (has it been THAT long) at the Arnold.  That same year I moved to GA and during my prep for Nationals, decided I needed a break.  At first, the break was welcome… my body and my mind needed it.  I had gone through a lot of change and some rough spots in my life and instead of facing them, I used my competitions as a way of ignoring them and focusing my energy on something else, and it worked (at the time), but it caused me to become pretty burnt out both physically and mentally.  So, in September of 2013 I decided not to compete at Nationals and give myself an indefinite break for the stage.  Since then, I have spent most of my time thankful to not be in prep, and not be competing, but every once in awhile the urge would hit me again.  Usually it didn’t last long, a minute, a day, a week tops – I would consider it, then consider the diet, and remember I like food to much to deal with that again.  Sometimes the urge was stronger than others, and sometimes not so much… But lately, it is back, with a vengeance.

Does this mean I’m jumping on stage anytime soon? Honestly, I’m not sure… Prep is hard, for me at least – and I enjoy my life when I’m not dieting.  But, strangely enough, I enjoy my life when I AM dieting too.  I like having a goal, and the work that goes into reaching that goal.  I like seeing the body I’ve worked so hard to build over the years.  I like getting on stage and for a few short moments being the center of attention (which, if you know me, is usually NOT the case at all).  I also like not having to do cardio, like, at all - and being able to eat copious amounts of ice cream without really worrying much about it.  I like having some extra body fat (well, JOHN likes when I have extra body fat – I like that he likes it LOL), and truth be told – I want to have children someday – I know plenty of competitors that have been able to have children, but I know enough women that aren’t able as well – and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize that.

I have been avoiding social media a lot lately, and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking…  I thought maybe writing all this out on here would help me figure some of this out, BUT I think I may have made it harder on myself.  Someone asked me how many weeks out I am the other day – I told her none, but I think the correct answer should have been TBA.

Sorry for all the words (and lack of pictures) – that’s a blogging no-no, isn’t it?

Oh well – come back tomorrow for less words, and more pictures.


  1. Sorry to hear you're feeling like this, you always have to do what is best for you! Looking forward to finding out what you are going to do either way :)

    1. Thanks girl - I will definitely keep you updated! :-)